An Open Letter to Tim Horton's

Tim Horton's: I'm putting you on notice. That's right. I'm calling you out. Right here.

Drawing the line in the proverbial sand. Or snow.

We have a lot of snow around here.

But you would know that. Because you're Canadian.

This "Roll up the Rim" contest? Pure. Garbage.

My issues? One, I need to bring around my own hack saw to get to your secret message hidden in the rim of the cup. Yes. I get it. It's creative to put it in the rim and it gives you such a cute contest title.

But it sucks.

I'm not a muscle man. I do not compete in body building contests. I've never pulled a bus with my teeth or climbed a mountain. I can't fly through walls(I can't really fly anywhere) and I can't shoot spiderweb out of my hands. Evidently, that disqualifies me from being able to see if I've won a lousy cup of coffee because I cannot physically rip apart my cup to divulge these secrets.

Trevor says "use your teeth." So now you not only want me to expend the last tiny smidgen of energy I have remaining in my body to "roll up the rim" (a cute synonym for torture, really) but you want me to hand over the last dangling thread of dignity I have as well?

Ok. But if I don't win after this, I'm punching someone in the face. Or at least threatening to. Which I find myself doing way too much.

I ask of you, what about people with no teeth? Or debilitating arthritis? Or weak thumbs? How will they join in the merriment of the game?

When I finally summon enough super human strength in my thumbs (I have strong thumbs. They're wiry. I've never lost a best-of-five thumb war tournament. ever.) to rip apart my empty cup of coffee (and in the process spilling the dregs all over my fine woolen coat) I'm assaulted with a constant "please play again."

No. I will not play again. I appreciate your effort to be polite, but I still see you as a bunch of jerks, Tim Horton's. I have never won. never. ever. ever.

I'm convinced that in all of Canada, Tim Horton's actually gives out a meager 57 prizes a year. 32 free coffees, 12 muffins, and 13 doughnuts. Shameful. Have you no conscience, Timmy's?
http://www.rolluptherimtowin.com/en/prizes.php

You're dead to me. So I'm going to head over to the nearest kitschy coffee shop with the name that rhymes and pay four dollars more for a coffee just so I don't have to put up with your nonsensical antics any longer. I'll see you in March. Or Wednesday when I meet my friend there for coffee. But I'll get an Iced Capp so I don't have to deal with the crazy nonsense.

P.S.- the candy bits on your Lemon Raspberry Bloom doughnuts get caught in my teeth.