A Follow Up

It's not really fair to write a post about being angry and then never follow up on it.

Alas, that is what I did.

It's funny- I was finally at a point in my life where for the first time in years, my life was devoid of major crisis and things were starting to come together.

The church my husband and I pastor was growing and vibrant and full of loving people.  I had my dream job teaching worship and drama to high school students.

Life was good.

But I was so angry.

I didn't want to sit and wallow in my hurt and anger anymore.  I was hurting the people I loved the most. I was miserable.

Thankfully, God was waiting to meet me in my brokenness.

When I was a little girl, I had this incredible love relationship with God. It was that beautiful, innocent affection a little girl has for her daddy.  I couldn't get enough of Him.  I loved to sing and write songs about Him.  At church I would stand on the pews and sing at the top of my lungs.  That was my happy place. I loved to preach sermons about Him and record them on cassette tapes.

For reasons I won't go into here, I began to feel shame about my effusive affection for my heavenly Father.  I felt embarrassed that I was so intrinsically compelled to create and to worship the God I loved in such a loud and vibrant way.

I had lived my life so far in a complete abandon to who God created me to be without fear of rejection, and suddenly, I felt like I was told that who I was, that little girl who sang off key at the top of her lungs, was wrong. Was shameful.  Was not good enough.

When that happened, my 5 year old self made two life altering statements:

1. Who I am is not good enough.

2. God thinks I am not good enough.

When I began to believe these statements, something in my little 5 year old heart changed.  It hardened. I began making decisions that affected every aspect of my life.  I set out to prove everyone wrong, and to change God's mind about me.  If I could be perfect, then maybe people could see that I am enough.

The problem is, I'm not perfect.  I sang in talent contests, I preached in church, I did well in school, I tried to be a good kid.  But I still made mistakes.  This need to please everyone and gain their approval created quite a disaster when a mistake was present.  I became defensive and angry, because I was so desperate to not be seen as a failure.

And most of all, it put a huge wedge between myself and God.  The love I had for Him didn't go away, but when joined with the thought that He saw me as a disappointment, I had an obsession with trying to be enough to make Him pleased with me.

This continued into my adult life. This constant cycle of trying to please and then giving up in frustration at my lack of perfection started defining every part of my life.  In college, if I felt I was not doing well on a paper, project, or even a class, I would just give up. I'd rather guarantee my failure by giving up than try and fail.  At least if I failed because I didn't try, I didn't feel like I was being rejected.

I was defensive at correction and criticism. It's like I had a gaping wound where my hurt and bitterness just gushed out like blood. I was a mess and it was affecting everyone around me.

God miraculously met me in my mess.  He helped me discover the lies I've believed for years and began a process of restoration in my life.

He even worked through a friend of mine, who told me "God will restore the relationship you had with Him as a 5 year old little girl."

He had no idea the significance of what he was saying.  But I did.

God is active in our lives.  God is so eager to show us His love and extend His mercy.

He is in the business of redeeming what has been lost, restoring what has been broken, and resurrecting what has been left for dead.

I'm on a journey of restoration, and I feel more like that 5 year old little girl than I have in a very long time.

In His kindness God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after           you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation.
      1 Peter 5:10